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The Hefty-Lefty Exposed

I found this over at The View From The Bleachers. It comes to him via CardNilly. It is some funny (and brutally mean) stuff about former Braves pitcher Ray King.

A Day in the Life of Ray King

8:00 am – Alarm goes off. Roll-over and hit snooze.
8:15 am – Wake up to Jose Mesa’s quiet sobbing. (The Rockies can’t afford single rooms for the players.)
8:20 am – Get up and go to the bathroom.
8:23 am – Look at the mirror while sitting there thinking "Damn, you look good!"
8:27 am – See take-home container from Courtesy Diner on the edge of the tub with what you think is the second half of the Slinger you had last night.
8:28 am – Finish eating what you think might be last night’s Slinger.
8:45 am – Mesa asks for a courtesy flush.
8:50 am – Mesa lures you out of the bathroom with a Honey Bun he got from the vending machine down the hall.
9:00 am – Room service delivers breakfast.
9:05 am – Finish breakfast.
9:10 am – Mesa exits the bathroom and asks, "I thought I heard room service come by?" You respond, "I think they forgot to deliver the food again this morning".
9:15 am – Turn on Regis and Kelly, who have a special show on stripper-transvestites.
10:00 am – Realize that stripper you banged last night might have been a transvestite.
10:01 am – Start long shower to scrub off transvestite-stripper smell.
10:15 am – See left over Imo’s pizza box on the edge of the tub.
10:16 am – Finish eating Imo’s pizza.
10:19 am – Get out of the shower.
11:00 am – Todd Helton drops by and asks for your opinion on his hitting stance.
11:15 am – Clint Barmes calls you and invites you to lunch at the buffet restaurant across the street from the hotel.
12:45 pm – The Restaurant Manager asks you to leave and forces you to pay for two buffet meals.
12:51 pm – Head to the ballpark.
1:59 pm – Grab a bag of peanuts from a vendor outside, and think to yourself "Hey! They’re cheaper outside…"
2:00 pm – Walk into the ballpark. Clint Hurdle asks, "Where the hell have you been? The team meeting started an hour ago!"
2:04 pm – Make your way into the whirlpool.
3:15 pm – Get out of the whirlpool, and decide to get dressed and head out for calisthenics, thinking "A Calzone would really be satisfying right now".
3:25 pm – Walk down the hall and overhear Miguel Ojeda complain about all the peanut shells in the whirlpool.
3:40 pm – Your Calzone is delivered.
4:00 pm – Finish the stretches and think to yourself "Calzone-istenics is tough, but it sure is satisfying."
4:05 pm – Decide to start throwing some pitches.
4:08 pm – You’re drenched in sweat so you head back into the clubhouse.
4:45 pm – While changing next to Byung-Hyun Kim, catch a whiff of something familiar — something very familiar.
4:59 pm – Realize that Byung-Hyun Kim was the "Kim" you took home last night.
5:00 pm – Finally the gates open and you can get some concessions.
5:15 pm – Choo Freeman asks you, "Where’d you get those Nachos?" Think to yourself "Who names their kid ‘Choo’?"
5:30 pm – Head back out on the field for batting practice.
5:35 pm – Overhear Duane Espy ask "What’s up with Helton’s batting stance?"
5:45 pm – Take a few swings.
5:47 pm – Head back into the locker room again to change because you’re drenched in sweat.
6:10 pm – Pass Byung-Hyun Kim but can’t look him in the eye. Now you realize why s/he kept saying they were a submariner.
6:45 pm – Head out for the anthem. During the anthem, wonder what they sing in Eli Marrero’s country, or if Eli Marrero’s country even exists anymore.
7:10 pm – Game Time!
7:11 pm – Head to the Steakhouse across the street.
8:30 pm – Head back to the ball park.
8:35 pm – Catch an Albert Pujols home run in the bull pen.
8:36 pm – Call your mother to make sure she Tivo-ed the great catch you just made.
8:37 pm – Hurdle calls in bullpen to get you warmed up. Overhear Rick Mathews say "I don’t know why the phone was busy earlier."
8:59 pm – Josh Fogg pitches out of a bases loaded jam by striking out Juan Encarnacion.
9:00 pm – Settle down for a nap because your night is done.
10:07 pm – Wake up to the "Game Over" fireworks.
10:08 pm – Run back to the clubhouse change and head over to Paddy O’s.
10:09 pm – Walk into Paddy O’s. The bouncer says, "Hey, you never paid your tab from last night."
10:30 pm – Another drunk Cardinal fan mistakes you for Esteban Yan. You sign his autograph anyway.
10:45 pm – Hit on a girl named Katie, and another short guy named John gives you evil looks the whole time.
11:00 pm – Some guy with wavy hair offers you some "O-Kee-Doke". Finish off the bag.
11:37 pm – Meet a cute little Asian chick named "Kim" who tells you she’s a stripper and wants to have fun tonight. She tells you "we met last night", but you can’t recall.
12:28 am – The bartender refuses to serve you anymore.
12:45 am – Leave Patty O’s with "Kim" and head down to Richters.
12:50 am – Think to yourself, "Didn’t this used to be called the Urban Tap?"
1:15 am – Head upstairs with Kim and learn something called "the Submariner."
1:48 am – You like the submariner, but it suddenly makes you very hungry.
2:49 am – Todd Helton pops up the stairs and says "Hey little guy, we’re heading to Eat Rite!" Think to yourself, "If you don’t Eat Rite, you shouldn’t eat at all."
3:15 am – Luis Gonzalez bets you $5000 that you can’t eat 10 plates of Eat Rite Sliders.
3:21 am – Luis Gonzalez pays you $5000. Buy everybody in the place a Slinger, including 2 for you.
4:00 am – Head back to the hotel.
4:15 am – Walk into the room and fall asleep to Jose Mesa’s quiet sobbing.

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