Well, it's official. The actual Salty saw startsalty.com on Sunday. Worlds have collided.
Saturday, before the game, reporters are clustered around Salty near home plate, as usual. Frenchy, Heap and Scooter are in the outfield.
Frenchy: /stares at reporters
Frenchy: /kicks at the grass
Frenchy: What do you think they're talking about?
Heap: Huh? Who?
Frenchy: You know, the press. And him.
Heap: Oh, I don't know. The deadline is coming up, they're probably asking him if he's afraid he'll be traded.
Frenchy: You would love that, right?!
Heap: Eh, I don't really mind if he stays.
Frenchy: But -- well -- Scoot, you probably wish they'd get rid of him, huh?
Scooter: No, why would I?
Frenchy: Cause, like, these rookies, man! With their big heads! Thinking they can steal all the attention -- I mean, our jobs! Such as yours at second!
Scooter: Yeah, well. Nobody's stealing YOUR job. So what do you care?
Frenchy: I don't! Totally don't! I just feel bad for you guys!
Frenchy: So. Uh. I'm gonna go -- get some water.
Frenchy: /jogs over toward the gathered press
Salty: /pulls back sleeve for reporters
Salty: Ya'll seen my tattoo yet?
Cameras: /flash wildly
Salty: It says, "Salty."
Cameras: /still flashing
Frenchy: /stands on tiptoes
Frenchy: I almost got a tattoo once!!
Frenchy: Yeah, it was crazy! It was my twenty-first birthday, and we'd been, you know, celebrating, and I was gonna get a big tattoo of Scooby Doo on my back to commemorate the occasion! But Heap said I was in no state to make that kind of decision, and I would regret it! For a long time I thought he was right, but--
Reporters: /ignore Frenchy
Katy Temple: So, Salty, how comfortable do you feel at first base?
Salty: First base! Pssh!
Salty: /flicks hand dismissively
Salty: On a scale of one to ten?
Salty: I am a thousand percent comfortable.
Reporters: /write furiously on notepads
Frenchy: I am totally comfortable in right, by the way, Katy!
Frenchy: Just in case you were wondering!
Katy Temple: /ignores Frenchy
Katy Temple: Salty, do you realize you're on pace to contend for Rookie of the Year?
Salty: Oh I thought I already won that.
Later, during the rain delay:
Frenchy: /sits in the dugout, moping.
Heap: Hey, what are you doing out here? The game won't restart for awhile -- don't you want to come play Connect Four with everyone?
Frenchy: Not even Connect Four could cheer me up right now.
Heap: What the hell's wrong?
Frenchy: You wouldn't understand.
Heap: Wha -- hey, look.
Heap: /points to giant TV screen
Heap: They're showing that TV show they made about you. The one where you didn't even mention me once.
Frenchy: /looks up, grinning
Frenchy: Those were the good old days, Heap. Reporters at my house, following me around everywhere. I couldn't even go to the grocery store without getting my picture taken! God, I didn't know how good I had it! I --
Frenchy: /turns around
Heap: /returns from the clubhouse, with half the team following
Heap: Check it out, guys.
Heap: /points up to the screen
Heap: He talks about crying like, five times.
Huddy: /sits down to watch
Frenchy: Hey, um, c'mon guys, this is kind of -- between me and my fans.
Huddy: Tell one of the rookies to make us some popcorn.
After Frenchy is humiliated thoroughly, the game resumes . . .
Frenchy: /walk-off hit in the bottom of the ninth
Heap: /punches the crap out of him, fun-lovingly
Katy Temple: Oh my God, how are you so awesome?!
Frenchy: I don't know, I just am!!
Cameras: /flash wildly
The next morning, the players arrive for the Sunday afternoon game . . .
Reporters: Frenchy! Frenchy!
Frenchy: /big grin
Reporters: Have you heard?? The big news??
Frenchy: Big news! No, I just rolled out of bed five minutes ago. Did -- someone get traded??
Frenchy: /looks around for Salty
Mark Bradley: /produces laptop
Mark Bradley: No, nobody got traded. But check this out.
Mark Bradley: I mean that's pretty awesome right.
Frenchy: Ughhhhhh, yeah.
Frenchy: I've actually seen that before.
Mark Bradley: People sure love Salty.
Frenchy: . . . Yeah.
Salty: /walks in
Salty: Hey! Where's the lineup?
Salty: CATCHER! YESSS!!!!
Salty: /runs over to Heap
Salty: Did you hear I'm starting at catcher!!!?!?
Salty: My, how the tables have turned!!!
Heap: It's just one start. Hey, they're talking about your website over there.
Salty: Psssh, when aren't people talking about my website?
Bobby: /walks over to reporters
Bobby: What's all this commotion?
Mark Bradley: I was just showing the guys this great fan-created website.
Mark Bradley: Check out this hilarious satirical picture of you and Scott Thorman!
Mark Bradley: It's obviously a joke about the fate of the Titanic!
Salty: Yo, boss, how's it hanging?
Bobby: What the hell is this?
Bobby: /points to laptop
Salty: What -- OH SH--
Salty: I mean, um.
Salty: I have no idea!
Salty: Don't look at me!
Salty: I don't even know how to turn a computer on!
Salty: Ha, I mean who does, am I right?!
Salty: Nerds, maybe!
Salty: And I am obviously not one of those!
Bobby: /walks off
Salty: . . .
Salty: I'm still starting, though, right?
What I wouldn't give to have been in the dugout while they were all watching The Frenchy Show on the jumbotron. Also, there had better be a Heap Show forthcoming, and for that matter, a Salty Show.