Well, it's official. The actual Salty saw startsalty.com on Sunday. Worlds have collided.
~~
Saturday, before the game, reporters are clustered around Salty near home plate, as usual. Frenchy, Heap and Scooter are in the outfield.
Frenchy: /stares at reporters
Frenchy: /kicks at the grass
Frenchy: What do you think they're talking about?
Heap: Huh? Who?
Frenchy: You know, the press. And him.
Heap: Oh, I don't know. The deadline is coming up, they're probably asking him if he's afraid he'll be traded.
Frenchy: You would love that, right?!
Heap: Eh, I don't really mind if he stays.
Frenchy: But -- well -- Scoot, you probably wish they'd get rid of him, huh?
Scooter: No, why would I?
Frenchy: Cause, like, these rookies, man! With their big heads! Thinking they can steal all the attention -- I mean, our jobs! Such as yours at second!
Scooter: /glares
Scooter: Yeah, well. Nobody's stealing YOUR job. So what do you care?
Frenchy: I don't! Totally don't! I just feel bad for you guys!
Frenchy: So. Uh. I'm gonna go -- get some water.
Frenchy: /jogs over toward the gathered press
Salty: /pulls back sleeve for reporters
Salty: Ya'll seen my tattoo yet?
Cameras: /flash wildly
Salty: /grins
Salty: It says, "Salty."
Cameras: /still flashing
Frenchy: /stands on tiptoes
Frenchy: I almost got a tattoo once!!
Frenchy: Yeah, it was crazy! It was my twenty-first birthday, and we'd been, you know, celebrating, and I was gonna get a big tattoo of Scooby Doo on my back to commemorate the occasion! But Heap said I was in no state to make that kind of decision, and I would regret it! For a long time I thought he was right, but--
Reporters: /ignore Frenchy
Katy Temple: So, Salty, how comfortable do you feel at first base?
Salty: First base! Pssh!
Salty: /flicks hand dismissively
Salty: On a scale of one to ten?
Salty: I am a thousand percent comfortable.
Reporters: /write furiously on notepads
Frenchy: I am totally comfortable in right, by the way, Katy!
Frenchy: Just in case you were wondering!
Katy Temple: /ignores Frenchy
Katy Temple: Salty, do you realize you're on pace to contend for Rookie of the Year?
Salty: Oh I thought I already won that.
~~
Later, during the rain delay:
Frenchy: /sits in the dugout, moping.
Heap: Hey, what are you doing out here? The game won't restart for awhile -- don't you want to come play Connect Four with everyone?
Frenchy: Not even Connect Four could cheer me up right now.
Heap: What the hell's wrong?
Frenchy: You wouldn't understand.
Heap: Wha -- hey, look.
Heap: /points to giant TV screen
Heap: They're showing that TV show they made about you. The one where you didn't even mention me once.
Frenchy: /looks up, grinning
Frenchy: Those were the good old days, Heap. Reporters at my house, following me around everywhere. I couldn't even go to the grocery store without getting my picture taken! God, I didn't know how good I had it! I --
Frenchy: /turns around
Frenchy: Heap?
Heap: /returns from the clubhouse, with half the team following
Heap: Check it out, guys.
Heap: /points up to the screen
Heap: He talks about crying like, five times.
Huddy: /sits down to watch
Frenchy: Hey, um, c'mon guys, this is kind of -- between me and my fans.
Huddy: /stares
Huddy: Tell one of the rookies to make us some popcorn.
~~
After Frenchy is humiliated thoroughly, the game resumes . . .
Frenchy: /walk-off hit in the bottom of the ninth
Heap: YAYYYY
Heap: /punches the crap out of him, fun-lovingly
Katy Temple: Oh my God, how are you so awesome?!
Frenchy: I don't know, I just am!!
Cameras: /flash wildly
~~
The next morning, the players arrive for the Sunday afternoon game . . .
Reporters: Frenchy! Frenchy!
Frenchy: /big grin
Frenchy: Yes?
Reporters: Have you heard?? The big news??
Frenchy: Big news! No, I just rolled out of bed five minutes ago. Did -- someone get traded??
Frenchy: /looks around for Salty
Mark Bradley: /produces laptop
Mark Bradley: No, nobody got traded. But check this out.
Laptop: /startsalty.com
Mark Bradley: I mean that's pretty awesome right.
Frenchy: Ughhhhhh, yeah.
Frenchy: I've actually seen that before.
Mark Bradley: People sure love Salty.
Frenchy: . . . Yeah.
Salty: /walks in
Salty: Hey! Where's the lineup?
Salty: /reads
Salty: CATCHER! YESSS!!!!
Salty: /runs over to Heap
Salty: Did you hear I'm starting at catcher!!!?!?
Heap: /stares
Heap: Yes.
Salty: My, how the tables have turned!!!
Heap: It's just one start. Hey, they're talking about your website over there.
Salty: Psssh, when aren't people talking about my website?
Bobby: /walks over to reporters
Bobby: What's all this commotion?
Mark Bradley: I was just showing the guys this great fan-created website.
Mark Bradley: Check out this hilarious satirical picture of you and Scott Thorman!
Mark Bradley: It's obviously a joke about the fate of the Titanic!
Bobby: /stares
Bobby: /stares
Bobby: /stares
Bobby: SALTY
Salty: Yo, boss, how's it hanging?
Bobby: What the hell is this?
Bobby: /points to laptop
Salty: What -- OH SH--
Salty: I mean, um.
Salty: I have no idea!
Salty: Don't look at me!
Salty: I don't even know how to turn a computer on!
Salty: Ha, I mean who does, am I right?!
Salty: Nerds, maybe!
Salty: And I am obviously not one of those!
Bobby: /stares
Bobby: /shrugs
Bobby: /walks off
Salty: . . .
Salty: I'm still starting, though, right?
~~
What I wouldn't give to have been in the dugout while they were all watching The Frenchy Show on the jumbotron. Also, there had better be a Heap Show forthcoming, and for that matter, a Salty Show.