Okay, forget everything that just happened. Help has arrived.
Last night, after 15 gruelling innings, the Braves slump back to the clubhouse while dark storm clouds gather over the stadium . . .
Ambiguous Davies: /crying
Frenchy: Wait, what?
Frenchy: I'm still confused.
Frenchy: Didn't I like, win that game? In the 10th?
Frenchy: I mean -- what?
Heap: FRENCHY. Wake up, okay? We told you eighty times, Phillips caught your line drive!
Frenchy: Yeah, but -- but --
Salty: /slaps Heap on the shoulder
Salty: Damn, old man, I can't believe you hung in there for fifteen! I thought I was gonna have to take over and let Huddy play first! I have a new respect for you, gramps.
Heap: Get. Away from me.
Ambiguous Davies: /sniffling
Ambiguous Davies: What is going on?? Did I just -- did I just cost us another win?
Heap: Kyle, no --
Ambiguous Davies: I can't do anything right! I don't even know which Davies I am! Why was I pinch hitting?? What's going on?!?!
Scooter: You! How about me? I totally cost us the game with that error. I'm so sorry, you guys.
Frenchy: OH MY GOD WAIT
Frenchy: DID WE JUST GET SWEPT BY THE REDS?!?
Heap: /smacks forehead
Salty: What, are the Reds bad or something?
Heap: /stares at Salty
Heap: Somebody get him away from me.
Salty: Geez, you guys sure are dramatic! Like who is that over there sulking in a corner? Get over it man, it's only one series!
Everyone looks up to see a cloaked figure sitting in the corner of the clubhouse . . .
Heap: Who is THAT?
Cloaked Figure: /stands
Cloaked Figure: It seems that I have returned just in time.
Cloaked Figure: /drops cloak
Andruw: Julio!! What are you doing here?
Heap: You'll blow your cover!
Julio: There is no more need for secrecy. All has gone according to plan.
Chipper: You mean -- ?!?
Julio: Yes. My undercover work with the Mets is done. I am a Brave again. And I have returned bearing much information.
Chipper: Thanks, dude, but we've actually been kicking the Mets' asses pretty well this season as is.
Julio: Yes, but there is much more work to be done in this clubhouse.
Andruw: What do you suggest, oh wise one?
Julio: First of all --
Julio: /points to Ambiguous Davies
Julio: Get this man to the bullpen.
Ambiguous Davies: /runs in that direction
Julio: And Frenchy, we need to talk.
Frenchy: Aw, are you gonna lecture me about my diet again? I have to eat nachos before home games, it's good luck.
Julio: No, we actually need to talk about David Wright.
Frenchy: DW? What about him?
Julio: Well . . . you know he has your poster hanging in his locker at Shea.
Frenchy: Oh, yeah, I know. He's president of my fan club! In fact, he founded it. He's really nice!
Julio: Um --
Salty: Hey! New guy!
Salty: Yeah, you! Matty just told me you play first base.
Julio: Yes, that's right.
Salty: Uhh, WELL, I don't know if you've HEARD, but there's a new sheriff in town when it comes to first base.
Julio: . . . What?
Salty: Yeah I pretty much kicked Thor to the curb and the position is mine. So don't even front.
Julio: Well . . . when I spoke to the organization they said they may start me at first base occasionally, but --
Salty: WHO TOLD YOU THAT -- hey wait a minute you're kind of old.
Julio: I am the oldest position player in Major League Baseball history, yes.
Salty: So like how old are we talking about?
Julio: I'm 48 years old.
Salty: I GET IT!!
Salty: Ha ha, this is a practical joke, right?!?
Salty: Like, my rookie hazing?? 'Oh, Salty, we're gonna maybe platoon you with somebody's great grandfather,' ha ha, cause I'm always giving Scrooge McCann over there a hard time for being old?? I get it!! Hilarious, guys!
Heap: Yeah, just ignore him.
Salty: Oh man, who put you up to this?? It was Thor, right? Or Matty?
Salty: Good one, guys, really good.
Salty: I'll have to tell Our Katy Temple about that one in my pre-game press tomorrow.
Salty: She'll love it -- another great S'lamacchia anecdote!
Salty: Wait, why does he have a locker? Did -- did you guys print up all those Franco jerseys just to prank me? Ha, good job, that's . . . that's very thorough . . .
Salty: I --
Salty: But --
Salty: . . .
Salty: BOBBY! BOBBY! WHERE'S BOBBY?!
Salty: /runs through the clubhouse frantically
Salty: HEY BOBBY DONCHA THINK I SHOULD START AT CATCHER TOMORROW ON ACCOUNT A THE OLD MAN CAUGHT FIFTEEN TODAY AND ALL!?!?
I wonder if Heap will have the the day off today -- it would make sense, except that it is HEAP DAY at the ballpark, in that they're giving out little statues of Heap tonight. I will of course be there as soon as the gates open, even though they for some reason left the Heap statues unpainted, so it won't match my Frenchy statue from last year. C'mon, promotions department, you gotta think this stuff through.