On Saturday they had Salty miked, as they should during every game. He was trying to get some information from either Davies or Carlyle (they're rocking the same facial hair these days, and I couldn't tell), and Davies or Carlyle (probably Evil Davies, I'd wager) was being all snubby, as I guess everyone is (did anyone else catch Andruw giving Salty the stone cold brush off when he had the nerve to try and do the Frenchy-Andruw elbow knock with Andruw after his homer on Sunday? Damn, it was harsh!), so Salty tried to continue the conversation from another angle: he said he'd send an email about his question, said "we can talk on the computer," to which the mysterious starting pitcher (again, probably Evil Davies) scoffed, "What, are you writing a book?" Salty was understandably miffed, because it was a legitimate baseball question, and come ON, you guys, were you this mean to all the rookies?! Then he started ranting about how he thought Bobby had forgotten that he's a switch hitter, but anyway it got me thinking about Salty's email correspondance . . .
~~
- - - - -
To: noIMtherealdavies@gmail.com
From: SALTYRULZZZZ@yahoo.com
RE: That thing we were talking about!!!!
Hey Kyle! Remember in the dugout when I asked you "what is that pitch that guy just threw?" and you said "I'm kind of busy right now ask me later" and then opened a pack of sunflower seeds and stared at the field? Well are you still eating sunflower seeds and staring at things, or can you answer my question yet???
And to answer YOUR question, yes I am writing a book. It's called Why Salty Should Start Everyday: A Comprehensive Discussion of the Nine Positions He Can Play and How Much He'd Rule At All of Them, but my question about that pitch was unrelated.
Your friend,
Salty
PS: What is up with your email address? OK Bye
- - - - -
To: dontblamecanada@comcast.net
From: SALTYRULZZZZ@yahoo.com
RE: L.A.!!
Hey Thor, what's up with you?? Other than me stealing your job, ha ha! Just kidding. Though I really am stealing it, but we're still buds, right?
Anyway, what I was trying to ask you on the plane last night when all of a sudden you fell asleep was: want to hang out while we're in L.A.? You could give me some advice about playing first base, and maybe I could give you some advice about pinch hitting! Not that I am a career pinch hitter (HA HA, yeah RIGHT!), but I'm still awesome at coming off the bench if needed, so I'm your man to get you ready for your new role on the team! You're welcome in advance, friend!
See you soon,
Salty
- - - - -
To: mispronounced@bellsouth.net
From: SALTYRULZZZZ@yahoo.com
RE: WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!
MATTY
Are you kidding me with that little stunt you pulled yesterday?! You think you're going to steal that first base job from me, don't ya?? First of all let me say FAT CHANCE! You just better watch out, any day now I could start playing first AND left field, SIMULTANEOUS GOLD GLOVE CALIBER!! That is a defensive rating coined especially for me, by me. So YOU better watch YOUR back, got it?!
Man, I thought you were my friend!! That one time when you gave me a piece of gum? That meant a lot to me. You're like one of three guys on the team who actually speaks to me.
I FEEL SO BETRAYED
But do you want to hang out while we're in L.A.? Like, In-and-Out Burger tomorrow night?
K, cool, talk to you later,
Salty
- - - - -
To: daveobrien@ajc.com
From: SALTYRULZZZZ@yahoo.com
RE: All-Star Snub
Hello, sir, where is the article about how Salty got snubbed for the All-Star game??? Yeah, Renteria is good and all, but can he SWITCH HIT?!
The NL team is doomed without Salty. Are they kidding me, putting Old Man McCann on there?!?! His time has come and gone!! Embrace the next generation, or embrace defeat!
Sincerely,
A Concerned Braves Fan
PS: Please see www.startsalty.com for more info.
- - - - -
To: IHeartPlatoons@aol.com
From: SALTYRULZZZZ@yahoo.com
RE: Just a little reminder
Hi, Bobby, what's up. I was just sitting around thinking -- you've been playing me in a lot of games against lefties lately, which is awesome. Totally hall of fame management strategy, good job. But, in games against right handed pitchers, you've been benching me, which got me thinking -- did anyone ever tell you that I can hit left handed, too?
I know, I know, it's hard to believe! I mean how could someone be that awesome, right?? But it's true. I guess maybe the scouts just left you out of the loop on that one, thought I'd get you up to speed.
Alright, see you at the park!
Your starting first baseman/catcher/I was also a pitcher in little league and can throw lefty or righty, whatever you need,
Jarrod Saltalamacchia
- - - - -
Has anyone else noticed that Salty shakes off the pitchers? I love him.