Yesterday Rain Delay suggested that I write something about Heap and Frenchy's high school days. Of course those two had actual high school days together (sort of -- they didn't go to the same school, but apparently they were buddies then, too), but what fun would that be unless I pretended that the others went to school with them? I'd already written this sort of unfunny thing about where the Braves would sit at lunch if they went to high school together -- you know, the cool seniors table (Chipper, Rent, Smoltz, Andruw, Huddy), then the semi-cool but mostly dorky juniors table (Frenchy, Heap, Scooter, formerly Davies, Thor, Chuckie), the bullpen (Wicky, etc.: lots of eating contests), the freshmen (Yuney, Salty, now Jo-Jo) and of course the dorks (Diaz, Woodward, and the king of the dorks, Orr, running his elaborte Connect Four tournaments from the Dork Table).
So that was kind of lame and I just put it aside, but now, thanks to RD's suggestion and some inspiration from last night's game, I have come up with the perfect high school metaphor, and yeah, it's kind of weird, but at least not as dark as the Huddy-beats-the-ever-loving-crap-out-of-Wicky idea I had earlier.
~~
It's after five o'clock at Random Suburban High School, and a group of students has stayed late to work on their science project . . .
Heap: Man, Huddy, I'm so glad we have you to help us with this.
Frenchy: Yeah, you're like. Awesome at science.
Huddy: Thanks fellas, and may I say that I am feeling particularly awesome at science tonight?
Heap: Yeah, I could tell! So what's the plan?
Huddy: A working volcano, of course!
Scooter: Brilliant!
Heap: I'll help you draw up the plans.
Frenchy: I'll go buy the supplies.
Scooter: And I'll paint it when you're done!
Huddy: Cool, sounds good. But aren't there two more people in our group?
Chipper: /shows up at the classroom door
Chipper: /smacking gum arrogantly
Heap: /whispers to Frenchy
Heap: Oh my God it's Chipper Jones!!
Frenchy: Shut up, shut up! Act cool.
Heap: /nods enthusiastically
Chipper: Hey.
Huddy: Hey, man. You gonna help us?
Chipper: I sure am.
Chipper: /dumps an armload of materials on Huddy's desk
Chipper: There ya go.
Huddy: Wow, thanks! I'll be able to make an awesome volcano with this stuff.
Chipper: No problem. Later.
Frenchy: BYE CHIPPER!
Chipper: /saunters off
Frenchy organizes the supplies while Heap and Huddy make plans. When the volcano is constructed, Scooter puts on the finishing touches.
Heap: Wow, that was easier than I thought it would be! Great job, Huddy!
Huddy: Thanks, kid. Just have to test it to make sure it works--
Huddy: /pours chemicals in
Volcano: /does nothing
Huddy: Oh, dammit! Why isn't this thing working!
Frenchy: Man, we were almost done, too!
Huddy: Hmm, what did I do wrong . . .?
Barry Bonds: /walks through the hall, clutching his own science project
Barry Bonds: /peeks into the classroom where our heroes are puzzling over theirs
Barry Bonds: Hey guys.
Huddy: Huh? Oh hi, Barry.
Barry Bonds: Check this out.
Barry Bonds: /holds up a professional-looking volcano that is spewing lava successfully
Huddy: Hey, what the hell! How'd you finish yours so fast, and where's the rest of your group?
Barry Bonds: Those clowns? Who cares, this project is all about me and my genius.
Huddy: So how'd you do it?
Barry Bonds: Uh, you know. Science.
Huddy: Well, yeah, but what chemicals did you use?
Barry Bonds: Um.
Barry Bonds: Sodium?
Huddy: Sodium! You don't even know -- you paid someone to make that for you, didn't you!
Barry Bonds: You can't prove that!!
Huddy: Whatever, get out of here!
Huddy: /slams the door in his face
Huddy: Ugh, I need to get some fresh air and think. You guys hold down the fort while I take a walk, okay?
Heap: Sure, Hud.
Huddy: /walks off
Frenchy: Mannnn, this is taking longer than I thought it would. I'm hungry!
Heap: Well get over it, we have to finish this or we'll fail!
Scooter: I'm hungry, too. Maybe we should run down to the vending machines?
Frenchy: Yeah!!
Heap: Alright, fine. I guess I could use a snack.
A few minutes later, they return to the classroom with food from the vending machines . . .
Wicky: /standing in the doorway
Wicky: Uh, hey guys. Sorry I'm late.
Heap: Oh, that's okay, we're practically done anywa-- OH MY GOD
Volcano: /almost completely gone, only a few shreds of papier mache clinging to a plywood board
Frenchy: WHOA
Scooter: What the hell happened??!
Wicky: /sad face
Wicky: I . . . sat on it.
Heap: WHAT?!
Wicky: Okay, I ate it!!
Huddy: /appears in the doorway
Huddy: WICKY ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME
Wicky: Sorry, I'm really sorry! I only wanted to help!!
Heap: And eating our science project helps how?!
Wicky: It seemed like a good idea at the time!
Huddy: All my hard work!
Scooter: We're gonna fail!
Rent: /appears in the hallway
Rent: Hey guys, what's wrong?
Huddy: EVERYTHING
Rent: Oh gosh, I'm sorry to hear that. I just wanted to let you guys know that I went ahead and finished our science project and turned it in this afternoon.
Huddy: Buh--wha--I didn't even know you were in our group!
Heap: Yeah, we would have helped you!
Rent: Oh, that's okay, I don't mind! Anyway, see you later!
Huddy: /stunned silence
Wicky: /glances at Frenchy
Wicky: Um
Wicky: You gonna finish those Funions?
~~
Later . . .
Frenchy: Oh my God, look at him over there.
Heap: So?
Frenchy: C'monnnn, it's too sad to watch him eating lunch alone! Let's invite him to sit with us.
Heap: Um, do you realize who you're talking about?
Frenchy: So he's a little weird, so what? Everyone deserves friends!
Frenchy: Hey, Salty, come sit with us!
Salty: /head jerks up
Salty: /runs over, grinning
Salty: Hey guys!
Frenchy: Hey! How are you?
Salty: Me? Oh I'm awesome of course, couldn't be better. What's that you're eating? String cheese? Did you know my great uncle invented string cheese? Yeah we're pretty much millionaires because of it, well, more like billionaires, possibly trillionaires, only, you know, we don't believe in like, showing off, so we donate most of it to charity.
Frenchy: That's--
Salty: Yeah the S'lamacchia family has built like, probably 900 homeless shelters. We're just giving like that. I had a Porshce once, but I gave it to a homeless guy. He cried.
Heap: /glares at Frenchy
Salty: Anyway, you should probably give me half of that string cheese. I mean you kinda owe me, since my family invented it and all.
Frenchy: Um, sure--
Salty: /sings "You're Simply The Best"
Salty: /with a mouthful of string cheese
Heap: /leaves the table
~~