I feel like Wicky might if he was turned loose in the all-you-can-eat seats . . . I don't even know where to START.
So why not start by disclaiming? I do like Davies and this article actually made me happy. I especially love the bit about A-Rod sending him the bat. But Davies is one of those Other Kids who grew up playing with Heap and Frenchy (we used to have at least three -- I think Boyer is the only one who hasn't been dumped this season), and he's pulling a bit of a call out on Those Two now that he's gone. Who saw that coming?? Not me!
Last night . . .
Frenchy is dressing for the game, getting ready to run out onto the field.
Heap: Hey Frenchy, have you heard from Kyle lately?
Heap: KYLE DAVIES. You know, that guy we've played ball with since we were kids?
Frenchy: Oh yeah! You know . . . I haven't heard from him lately.
Frenchy: /looks around
Frenchy: Is he on the DL or something?
Heap: FRENCHY. He got traded to Kansas City, remember? You threw him a goodbye party at your house!
Frenchy: Man, I totally forgot about that! I was wondering why he hadn't started in awhile.
Heap: What is wrong with you?
Frenchy: Nothing! What's wrong with YOU?
Frenchy: /jogs toward the dugout
Heap: /sees the back of his jersey, laughs
Heap: Hey, Frenchy!
Heap: You - ah - never mind.
Heap: Scooter, c'mere.
Heap: I'll bet you twenty bucks Frenchy doesn't find out they spelled his name wrong on his jersey until the fourth inning.
Scooter: Pssh! I bet you a hundred he notices it before his first at-bat!
Heap: You're on! Ha, I'm about to be a hundred dollars richer, my friend. He didn't even notice Kyle had been traded until just now!
Scooter: Uh-huh. Just watch.
Frenchy: /steps up to bat
Frenchy: /immediately checks himself out on the Jumbotron
Frenchy: STOP THE GAME!
Frenchy: MY JERSEY HAS BEEN DEFILED!!
Scooter: Pay up.
After the game, Frenchy is sulking in the clubhouse.
Heap: Aw, cheer up, at least we won the series.
Frenchy: But I went 0-4! I've been awful since we got home -- what's wrong with me?
Heap: Nothing - hey - you did well on the road trip.
Frenchy: Exactly! Why can't I hit at home? The opposite was true last year!
Heap: I don't know, it's probably just a --
Frenchy: I'VE GOT IT! I did well at home last year because I lived in your house!! It's good luck!
Heap: Uh -
Frenchy: Let me sleep on your couch tonight to see if it'll make a difference.
Heap: Frenchy -
Frenchy: Please!! C'mon, I'm really suffering here.
Heap: My girlfriend was going to come over!
Frenchy: So what? Your girlfriend LOVES me!
Heap: . . . What?!
Frenchy: Man, this is totally gonna work! I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner!
The following morning at Heap's house, Frenchy wakes up on the couch at the crack of dawn, and goes outside to get the morning paper.
Frenchy: /reading paper
Frenchy: "Giants sluggers get best of James"
Frenchy: Aww, they sure did. Hey, here's a story about Kyle!
Frenchy: "He's happier than he's been in a long time."
Frenchy: Well, neat! I'd better wake Heap up and tell him.
Frenchy: /pounds on Heap's bedroom door
Heap: /wakes up in a panic
Heap: What, what's wrong?!?
Frenchy: Hey! Check out this great story about Kyle!
Frenchy: /jumps onto his bed and throws the newspaper at him
Heap: Are you kidding me?
Frenchy: No! It says he smiled and everything!
Frenchy: I know, right? Hard to believe!
Heap: Frenchy - for God's sake.
Heap: "But it makes a big difference when you feel like you can go out there, and even though you came up short, you got a chance to do your best. I feel like I'm getting that chance here, to do whatever I can do to get out of stuff ... to try to win a ball game."
Heap: Hmph, is he saying he didn't get chances to do that here?
Frenchy: Nah, he just likes his new team is all!
Heap: /reads on
Heap: Is he complaining that he got pulled after 22 pitches in his last start here? "I need . . . I can't . . . this isn't a good situation for me." What does that even mean? Did he want to walk ten more runs in before we took him out??
Frenchy: "I needed to get out of there" - hmm, I never knew he felt that way.
Heap: Yeah, well, you didn't even realize he'd been traded until yesterday. But what's this crap about our clubhouse being "all business"?
Frenchy: Apparently in Kansas, "everybody comes up and talks" to him - hey, we talked to him! Didn't we?
Heap: Heck yeah! I comforted him when his evil twin was trying to ruin his life!
Frenchy: Maybe Evil Davies did the quotes for this article.
Heap: Nah, he doesn't like to deal with the press.
Frenchy: Well then, Good Davies just called us uptight!
Heap: Uptight! Us?!
Frenchy: The nerve! And check it out, A-Rod sent him a signed bat! I guess he has new, cooler friends now in the American League.
Heap: Didn't you like, throw a sandwich at A-Rod once?
Frenchy: No, no. I got mad at him for berating a clubhouse attendant who brought him the wrong sandwich.
Heap: I like the version where you throw a sandwich at him better.
Frenchy: Yeah, I wouldn't be opposed to you spreading that version.
Meanwhile, in Kansas City . . .
Good Davies: Ahh, another glorious morning in my true spiritual home: Missouri!
Good Davies: I feel like a new person! Thank God I got out of the City That Must Not Be Named!
Good Davies: /checks cell phone
Good Davies: Hmph, Heap and Frenchy haven't called me since last week. I guess they're too busy with their precious lives.
Good Davies: No skin off my rear! I've got this baby for company!
Good Davies: /picks up the bat from A-Rod
Good Davies: /reads inscription
Good Davies: "To Kyle, it was a really good pitch. Sorry. Home run No. 500 to a good sport. A-Rod."
Good Davies: Ha ha! It was a really good pitch!
Good Davies: /turns the bat
Good Davies: "P.S. -- Is that guy Francouer totally mean or what?"
Good Davies: You are so wise, A-Rod.
I didn't get to watch the game last night, but I recorded it. I wasn't going to bother, given the outcome, but I have to at least hear Skip's commentary on the Epic Misspelling of '07.